A fictional birdwatching podcast. We think it's time to leave the blind.

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Created and sound designed by Julia Schifini.

Inspired by Kristen DiMercurio.

This episode's birdwatcher is Jeffrey Nils Gardner (they/them).

Learn more about Jeffrey's work on Unwell and The Museum of Tomorrow.

Our theme is "Yellow-rumped Warbler" by Chad Crouch.

Transcript:

[Theme Music Plays]

Julia: Who Watches the Birdwatchers? A fictional birdwatching podcast.

[Theme music fades out. A brook babbles off to the side. Birds chirp.]

Jeffrey: I’m up here, in my blind. I can see nearby… beautiful blue plumage. Strong black lines around the face. Proud beak. It’s a very handsome bird. I can see a bird in red. A black beak. It is standing up into the wind, letting the air ruffle its feathers.

[Bird noises continue. Cicadas buzz in the background.]

Jeffrey: Off in the distance, orange plumage. A strutting walk. This seems to be a flightless bird, its head bent low, forward. Below me, a small grey bird and another one following close behind it. Teal plumage, thin, angular. This is probably some kind of fishing bird. I think.

[A bird chirps loudly.]

Jeffrey: A long beak like that, I’m sure you could spear fish out of the water. At least I think that’s what I’d do. I don’t much like fish. I think that comes from having grown up away from the ocean. Um, any fish I had as a kid came out of a can or was breaded and really indistinguishable from chicken in the form of fish sticks. But if I had a nice beak like that, I think I’d hunt fish.

I can see a wider—

[A bird flaps in the distance, ruffling its feathers.]

Jeffrey: …huh. This strangely shuffling bird moving off in the distance. Oh! A fast one, purple plumage, zooming past. I didn’t get much— a very good look at that one, I wish it’d come back. I really, um… I think the way that purple bird moved, in kind of swooping slashes across the sky, it made me want to know more.

[Bird noises continue. The brook babbles.]

Jeffrey: I’m feeling pretty detached from these birds up here in my blind. I, um… I dunno. I went out briefly today, but other than that, I think I’ve been in here for uh… like, four days? Really only going out briefly, and that um… makes me kind of envious of these creatures that just kind of, y’know, flit around without a care? Huh. That seems to be taking its time. …Okay.

[Bird noises continue. Cicadas buzz.]

Jeffrey: I’ve been listening to cicadas too. I don’t think they count as birds. I mean, they’re small. But they do have wings, most of the time. Um, you can eat them. So like, that’s two things that are like birds. And I think if you’ve got two things that are similar to a bird, you get to count yourself a bird. I dunno. That seems fair. Why should birds be the only one that can call themselves birds?

I see another blue bird. Like turquoise. That’s pretty cool. I thought, y’know, hmm.. . I guess I dyed my hair blue for a little while in high school. And I had green hair for a bit. So y’know, I’ve had some pretty rad plumage. But that was like, hoo! Turquoise!

Listen, I know cicadas aren’t birds. But, y’know. You can dream, right?

[Something howls in the distance. The cicadas continue to buzz. The birds chirp.]

Jeffrey: Oh. There’s a really cool small grey bird that just hopped right below me. It’s got a blue stripe, and very angular, very sharp motions. I think if I could be a bird, I would be a bird like that, kind of moved in surprising ways. That when people walked down the street and they saw it, they’d be like “Ah! Look at that bird. Hey Betty, do you remember that bird we saw last week? How cool was that?”

There’s a white bird with like, orange bands across it. It’s fine. It’s not as cool as that grey bird though. I’m probably gonna be thinking about that for a while. Maybe I’ll tell someone, “Ah, I saw this cool bird!” And just kinda—

[Jeffrey makes whooshing noises with their mouth.]

Jeffrey: Yeah. I bet they’ll like that.

[The bird and brook noises slowly fade out into the theme music.]

Julia: That was “Who Watches the Birdwatchers?”, a fictional birdwatching podcast. Our birdwatcher this episode was Jeffrey Nils Gardner.

Jeffrey is the creator of The Museum of Tomorrow, a hallucinatory, abstract audio fiction miniseries built from interviews, music, and field recordings. They are also the executive producer of Unwell, a gothic ghost story set in the rural midwest, using the supernatural to tell complicated stories about community, family, and the fragility and power of memory and story. Links to those, and more of Jeffrey’s work, can be found in our show notes.

Our theme song is “Yellow-rumped Warbler” by Chad Crouch. Edited and sound designed by Julia Schifini. Inspired by Kristen DiMercurio.

[Theme music fades out.]